Welcome to a chaotic and humorous journey through Cartel Tycoon, where business is booming (in more ways than one), employees work for respect, and the only HR policy is survival of the fittest. Let’s dive into this wild experience and break down the lessons from a truly entrepreneurial spirit.

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Starting Out: The Ethical Entrepreneur

I got Cartel Tycoon for free, so naturally, the only logical step was to become a startup entrepreneur. With a totally legitimate $100,000, I decided to go into farming—because agriculture is the backbone of society. My first hire? A volunteer who works for absolutely nothing. Some critics might call this inhumane, but clearly, they’re just jealous and not making money. (Neither am I, but let’s ignore that.)

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Diversifying the Business Model

After realizing ethical farming wasn’t making any profit, I pivoted to opium trading—because, well, adapt or die. Turns out, drug trafficking is way too easy, so I quickly expanded. The business model?

• Employees work for friendship and respect.
• No raises (but maybe a pat on the back).
• HR exists, but they’re terrifying.

Soon, my empire was thriving, and my workers became the backbone of my cartel (whether they liked it or not).

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Human Resources and Workforce Management

Every good boss values his employees. I did my best to motivate them:

• No salaries? No problem! Loyalty is built on fear and a very firm handshake.
• Betrayal? Not tolerated. (See: Sudden Disappearances)
• Performance evaluations included a simple decision: promotion or assassination.

One employee, however, dared to betray me. The only logical step? Eliminate him personally. Because, as we all know, the one who passes the sentence must pull the trigger. (Thanks, Game of Thrones.)

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Building the Ultimate Squad

With betrayal handled, it was time to expand the team. The hiring process was simple:

1. Do you look scary? You’re in.
2. Are you terrifyingly efficient? Congratulations, you’re now Head of HR.
3. Are you asking for a raise? Let’s call that a promotion and move you far away (for safety reasons, obviously).

With a solid crew in place, we were rolling in cash—or at least spending it as fast as we made it.

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Conflict and Expansion

Everything was going smoothly—until we got attacked. Time to go full Breaking Bad and take over the neighborhood. Our business model now involved:

• Expanding into new cities.
• Invading villages just to sell drugs.
• Taking over gambling operations to fund our “business.”

The CIA, the military, and basically everyone else weren’t too thrilled. But friendship and camaraderie would carry us through! (Or so I thought.)

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The Final Showdown: The Government vs. Friendship

Our cartel was unstoppable—until we got a little too comfortable. Turns out, when you reach three wanted stars, bad things happen. The CIA and the army started rolling in, and suddenly, things weren’t so funny anymore.

• George Bush is after me.
• The military is at my door.
• The power of friendship won’t save me this time.

I did the only thing I could—I ran.

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Final Thoughts: The True Cartel Experience

What did we learn from this adventure?

• Business is about adaptation—when farming fails, try opium.
• Employees don’t need money—just fear, respect, and the occasional handshake.
• HR is important—but only if they’re absolutely terrifying.
• Betrayal happens—and the only solution is a very permanent one.
• Three wanted stars = game over—especially when the military shows up.

Cartel Tycoon is a wild experience, blending strategy, empire-building, and sheer insanity. While this playthrough was satirical, the underlying mechanics of management, logistics, and risk mitigation make for a deeply engaging game.

Remember: Stay real, stay criminal, and don’t get too comfortable. Because if the CIA isn’t after you yet, you’re probably not doing it right.